I never realized how appropriate this song is to my life these past few years. I will always know every word to every song in Evita but these words didn’t ring true when I was a kid the way they do now. I am going through some stuff right now which boils down to a lot of personal growth and this song just very much resonates. I love it.
And just because Samantha Barks is one of the best singers on the planet:
So my neck has hurt for almost a week because I slept on it wrong and I just wanted to take this opportunity to complain about it. Tylenol is not exactly working but I also feel like it is something that will work itself out so I don’t need to get all craaaaazy and go to the doctor about it. Because doctors cost money even though this is AMERICA AND OBAMA WAS SUPPOSED TO FIX THAT.
I know that wasn’t really what Obama was trying to do.
But I did sort of mess up on my health insurance, picking the wrong one, where my deductible is crazy high and I will never meet it. That is my own fault. But I do have the opportunity to change it and have it become effective in July which isn’t TOO far away.
Inhalers shouldn’t be $242 if you have insurance. I’m just saying. That is effing stupid. And for the record, that is $242/month. It’s going to take me many months to meet my deductible. It’s going to be an expensive year but at the same time, I don’t want to die.
That whenever you decide that you truly don’t want to date anyone (and you aren’t just proclaiming it loudly as a single girl who actually does want a boyfriend) how many people will go out of their way to try to date you.
It’s kind of exhausting and I get tired of thinking of ways to politely decline. Dudes that don’t even live in the same city are hollering at me and I’m like WHY. STOP.
I realize this isn’t the worst problem to have and that it’s nice to be wanted and all that, it’s just not what I’m looking for. Not right now, at least.
OK, so I have been in a very good mood from this weekend continuing to now for two important reasons:
- The new Starbucks Hazelnut Macchiato
- I have lost 10 pounds
Now, the Hazelnut Macchiato is pretty awesome. I would hate it because I didn’t invent it myself if it wasn’t so great. It contains pretty much all things that I love. Why I didn’t create it myself when I had access to all of the raw materials is a mystery to me. I love hazelnut. Chocolate drizzle seems like a no brainer. It is essentially a caramel macchiato with hazelnut instead of the vanilla and chocolate drizzle instead of the caramel. This is a genius drink. I have only gotten the skinny version because I am afraid if I get the regular version it will be too amazing and I will never want the skinny one ever again. Which leads to point number two…
I have lost over 10 pounds. Officially I have only lost 10 but that is a bunch of horseshit because I got a new scale after I started which is why the starting weight is probably off. So officially I have lost 10 pounds, unofficially probably between 10-15. So, if I am going to be real here, I will tell you that I am now at 145 pounds, which is the lightest I have been in awhile. I feel really great actually. I still have about 10 pounds to go until I am at “college weight” which is my goal but honestly, anything between 135-145 is pretty good for me right now. Who would have thought that diet and exercise would lead to weight loss! It’s like magic! (Like snow!) I weighed myself on both Saturday and Sunday to make sure it wasn’t a fluke and I was 145 both days. I am very excited.
I joked in my 5k blog that this might be a new life stage for me, the life stage of doing 5k’s, and it really kind of is. I have gotten to the point where I like working out and even if I don’t go to the gym for some reason, I find ways to do little things at home so I am not totally stagnant. I also know that weight is just a number and I don’t feel like my happiness is tied to it… I know that my body is changing in other ways. So with that in mind, I bought a tape measure so I could track more easily the inches I am losing. I have also created a spreadsheet to track both because now I use spreadsheets to track everything, including my happiness.
I got several compliments yesterday about my weight loss, which did wonders for my vanity, and even encouraged me to agree to go to two 5:30am gym classes this week. I am feeling so good and I want it to continue!
So I signed up for a 5k last month when I was fuzzy on hydrocodone. In my mind, it sounded like a terrific way to meet firefighters since my friend Danielle is married to one and she’s running in it. LOGIC.
Now it’s actually coming up and I’m a little nervous about it. I guess it finally dawned on me that these (imaginary) firefighters are going to have to see me run also. Worst. View. Ever.
I’m also vaguely curious about it. I always wondered what types of people ran 5k’s and assumed they were basically those girls who love their spin classes and fit “Forever Young” seniors. And yuppies. Yuppies like 5k’s, I assume. I’m sort of a yuppie in a sense. But at the same time, in my mind, I’m still the rock girl who wears homemade tshirts and drinks too much and would never even be awake for a 5k much less run one. So I feel like I am going to somehow stand out. That they will sense that I am not “one of them.”
I’m thinking all of those things but mostly, I don’t want to be the last goddamn person to finish. It’s possible, trust. I’m going to have to carry my inhaler in my sports bra since I’ve had some breathing issues lately. I’m sure it will all be fine.
I’m making it a much bigger deal than it is, like it’s a new life stage. Like, “this is the time in my life where I run 5k’s and talk about the 5k’s I run and casually wear my 5k completion tshirts to run errands.” I’m secretly excited about this new life stage but don’t tell anyone.
A lady at work today asked me if I planned to match my giant printed houndstooth sweater to my houndstooth boots. As if I would put on both accidentally and not notice.
I was going to write a blog about how I love Valentine’s Day even though I’m single and why everyone needs to get over hating it but then I forgot til now.
Seriously, why do people have to hate on love if they don’t have it? Can’t we just be happy for each other and go home and do shit we can’t do when we are in a couple like eat a can of icing/jar of peanut butter/sleeve of thin mints and gloat that no one saw us do that? It’s liberating.
I feel like a hippie but I am just over all the bitter shrews in the world who say loudly, “VALENTINE’S DAY IS A MADE UP COMMERCIAL HOLIDAY AND I DON’T CELEBRATE IT.” Come on, bitch. If someone delivered flowers to your work today, you’d be all over this holiday. Maybe you are lonely but protesting too loudly against a silly holiday just makes me sad for you. It also doesn’t make you sound desirable. I realize that you shouldn’t only celebrate your love for someone once a year but what’s wrong with a nice sentiment? Nothing!
Guys tend to hate Valentine’s Day because… I’m almost positive… they are lazy. It REALLY does not take much to make a girl happy on Valentine’s Day: flowers. Candy. Champagne maybe? Maybe even dinner though I don’t think that’s required. It doesn’t have to be crazy or expensive. You just have to PRETEND to have a good attitude about BEING NICE and you’re golden!!!
So to all of you in love, I’m happy for you. Truly. For the rest of us, I think there’s hope for us yet. But til then, we don’t have to share the bed or the remote or the champagne so let’s all relish in what we have and stop hating on a day that’s meant for love.
This is me in my terribly on-the-nose Valentine’s Day getup, complete with anatomical heart necklace.
It’s become clear to me that I need a story to make my life more interesting. I feel like my life has been a series of stories and escapes from those stories.
One of the things I liked so much about Sean and I was our story. It was epic. It began with music and handholding and ended in a harbor’s worth of tears but in between there was incredible love and also incredible carnage. Like I said, epic. And nothing epic ever comes easy.
I think that is part of the reason that I’m over online dating. The story there is so lame. I was bored on the Internet and thought he was pretty. There is nothing epic or memorable about that.
It’s entirely possible that I’ve been brainwashed by pop culture into thinking that I need a story but since I’ve already had a good one, I am sticking with the belief that there may be another one out there for me. I’m not looking for it anymore but I hope I can at least recognize it if one presents itself.
So I decided yesterday that I want a dog. I love my cats (well, one of them anyway) but I just don’t think that is cutting it for me anymore. I grew up with dogs. I love dogs. There are a lot of problems with this scenario though. The first one is that I am allergic to dogs so the dog I get would need to be hypoallergenic so I think that would be a bit pricy. The other major issue is that I work far away from where I live. This wouldn’t prevent me from having a dog necessarily but it would necessitate that I’d likely need to hire a pet sitter to check on the dog during the week. One of my friends is a pet sitter so I would totally hire her, so I’m not worried about finding a pet sitter but I do need to figure out the money to have one. Haha.
I’m still trying to figure out ways to cut down money and I think I’m going to try to cut out drinking again. I realize my drinking money does not equal dog money but hey, it’s a start. Every time I drink now, it’s like I’ve been poisoned. Which I guess essentially what drinking is. I just don’t enjoy it like I used to. It used to be more central to my social life, especially in Baltimore where the bars were all SO CLOSE and there was ALWAYS a good excuse for happy hour. Since I live so far away now, happy hours are kind of out and I don’t really feel like being social anyway.
Which leads me to why I don’t want to date. I thought I was going to fall in love this year. I even RESOLVED to do it. But what I realize that I like more than dating is staying home and doing nothing. When I think about going on dates and getting dressed up and trying to impress people with my bullshit, it just makes me tired. I quit okcupid the other night after I got a message from a dude telling me I looked like I could take a punch and that he wants to hit me.
This brings me full circle to another reason I want a dog. I’d much rather have a dog than a boyfriend right now. All I really want to do is get in shape, read and watch TV and I’m tired of pretending that I want to do other things than that. I also really want to focus on work and learn as much as I can about the new industry I stepped into. I haven’t had a chance to impress people yet with what I can do and I really want to throw myself into this job and make a name for myself. I think I have the chance to do that this year and I’m pretty excited about it.
In unrelated news, I may give myself a Ravens manicure tonight. I get a little sentimental thinking about watching the Ravens with Sean and his family and I’m a little sad I won’t be there with them to cheer our birds on but I’m going to do my part in Texas. I don’t miss Sean the way I used to, I’m happy that we are friends but we always had so much fun watching the games together! I do miss things like that. I hope I get some good texts from NO. I don’t think anyone in Texas cares about the Ravens at all so I am going to have to have enough spirit for everyone. I can do it!